Why do you suck, Conditioner?

Wow, it's been a while since I've ranted about something on here!

Here's the one that's been bothering me lately: shampoo and conditioner. I know, I know, who cares. But riddle me this: why is it that all bottles of shampoo are bigger than their conditioner counterparts?

Seriously!

My conditioner right now? 13 oz. My shampoo? 17 oz.

I HATE THAT I ALWAYS RUN OUT OF CONDITIONER FIRST.

They'd say - well, you're supposed to use less conditioner than shampoo - well I don't. I have long, straight, fine hair, and if I don't use enough conditioner, it's a big hot mess. So I try to balance it out by using more shampoo than I need, and conserving on the conditioner, but no matter how hard I try, I'm always out of conditioner first.

Bastards.

Yes, this is the shit that goes through my mind.

I obviously need help. ;-)

Guest rant: Curse of the comments.

Yay! Another guest rant! Sorry for the long absence... but I'm back, and with a somewhat controversial one.

Ok, here is a rant for your rant blog:

Why is it that so many of the "BIG" bloggers like to get their panties in a ruffle over comments readers leave? Half the time, it doesn't even seem like the comment left was a big deal. This leads me to believe that either their egos are way inflated and therefore they're hypersensitive, OR, they're using it as an excuse for more self-promotion and blogging material. Like, really? Someone left a possibly-shitty comment on your blog? Now you have to tell the entire world, Facebook, Twitter and your more civilized readers all about it? Naturally this is followed by a bunch of ass-kisser-readers jumping to the defense on a totally lame faux-assault. Last I checked, that's what the "delete comment" feature is for!

End rant.

So, what do you think? Is this a pet peeve of yours, too? I'm torn, because some of the comments are actually offensive, but I do read certain bloggers who have a tendency to overreact.

Douche-a-licious.

The one thing you always notice about going out in Los Angeles are the annoying and crazy people who are also going out in Los Angeles.

While going out last night at a small John Mayer show at Hotel Cafe, we saw:

1) At LEAST 12 men wearing plaid (My dude and John Mayer included). It was hilarious, because literally 1 in 4 men we saw were in plaid. My dude was mortified that he was dressed in a "trendy" fashion, and vowed several times throughout the evening to never wear plaid again. Which makes me sad, because I love his flannel. And made him mad, because he's been wearing plaid consistently since 1994, and how dare those assholes take his trend?

2) Four total douchebags in front of us in line who were "Twittering" about the experience. Of standing in line. While nothing happened. Then, something DID happen - John Mayer arrived in his car! (Ooooooh. OMG IN HIS CAR!) Shortly thereafter the following line was overheard. "I'm totally Twittering what kind of car John Mayer showed up in right now." Oh, how I wish I were kidding.

3) Three middle-aged ladies behind us in line who were entirely too "in to" John Mayer. Look, there had to be some, but these ladies were doing their best at giving the Mayercraft crazies a run for their money. At one point, we sort of heard that the show had started, and one of them exclaimed "I totally can feel it. He just started playing. I felt it." Then, they were talking about calling John Mayer "J May," because they were "that close." And THEN, there were the two goofball guys who came outside and loudly (and sarcastically) exclaimed "OMG you made out with JOHN MAYER!" These girls? Were like, "Really????" I think I may have actually smacked my own forehead in disbelief over that one.

4) Two "gentlemen of the night" shopping their wares at Hollywood and Cahuenga.

5) The crazy hoochie mama in the short, tropics print gauze dress and 5 inch heels. Did i mention it was REALLY windy last night?

Ahh... going out in LA is always such an adventure.

3 Reasons I Hate "The Valley."

Caution: Long rant about to start.

Three obnoxious things that happened to me in the valley during the errands I ran on my way home:

1) Awful customer service at the Osh Hardware store on Fallbrook. I went in for a couple of things, including more yellow jacket traps, and foam caulk to fill the mouse hole under our sink. 10 minutes of wandering around without anyone offering to help me, and I finally find the yellow jacket traps. They're in a box, and there's a sales tag attached to the box that says $5.99. I decide to get three. Then I get up to the register, and they each ring up as $10.99. I politely tell the checker girl (also known as Dumb Bitch, so I think you know how this is going) that the traps were marked as $5.99.

She calls the nursery woman (also known as C U Next Tuesday) and a 5-year-old manager boy over. I explain where I got the traps, and what the sign read. Nursery woman walks back to the aisle with me, and shows me how the sign on the box of traps is wrong. But really, it doesn't matter to me, because the sign was there and says that's the price. So I go back to the register, and tell checker girl that the price was wrong, but the $5.99 was how it was marked. 5-year-old manager boy tells checker girl to just ring it up as $5.99. But does the dumb bitch do that? No. Instead, she calls nursery woman, who comes over and bitches at 5-year-old manager that the traps were marked wrong. At this point, I should have just walked away. Instead, 5-year-old manager folds under the pressure, and just looks around in desperation.

I say - "The product was marked at $5.99. You're going to have to figure out what to do about this." And the fucker charged me $10.99 per trap.

So I leave, totally pissed off, because it is my firm belief that a product should be sold at the price it is marked, mistake or no. It wasn't like I went and moved the damn sign, and it's that stupid moron's JOB to make sure that stuff like that doesn't happen. And now I'm just kicking myself for going through with the purchase, and I'm totally going back tomorrow to return the damn things. I'll buy them at the Do It Center instead, and I'll be writing a very nasty letter to that manager's boss. Fucktards.

2) So next I went into Target to look for a water softener, which they don't have. So I treat myself to a new purse (impulse buy, much?) instead. As I'm walking to the checkout, there is a woman with her two kids. The boy is about 6, and the girl is about 3, and the boy has the girl by the waist and is swinging her around. Which obviously bothers her, as she starts screaming and writhing in pain or discomfort. The mom, though, doesn't seem to care much until the girl's screams reach Mach 3 and then she finally screams at the boy "Put her ass down! Put her ass down! Put her fucking ass down!"

Yeah. It made me mad, too.

But it didn't end there. She continued the verbal abuse of both of her kids while the girl continued to scream and cry, and clutch her side. Granted, it looked like she was fine, but still. Comfort your kid just a little bit. They got in line behind me (lovely) and the boy started unloading the cart, and being a general brat about the "stuff" he was going to get. And the mom just looked at him and said, "Don't touch my shit."

After that I just tried to tune them out, which was hard with the consistent screaming of the little girl. I really wanted to say something, but it was definitely one of those situations where it would have made things much worse. So instead I left, because the whole thing made me sad on top of the mad I'd worked up from the Osh.

3) I finally made it over to Yozen Frogurt for some pomegranate frozen yogurt, and this hoochie teenager got in line behind me. She was on her cell phone, and continued to stay on her cell phone while she was ordering, which I really hate. How rude can you be, really? Just talking and talking about absolutely nothing while she's trying to order three yogurts to go. And then, she finally does get off her phone, and becomes chatty Cathy with me - "Oooh, which one did you get? Is it good?" No. I don't think so, you silly brat.

So, the moral of this ridiculously long, winding down rant?

People in the valley suck big hairy balls.

At least you're regular?

And the guest posts are slowly trickling in! I actually got this submission a few weeks ago, but I have been neglecting this blog, so it's taken me a while to get around to this one! I swear I'll be better in the future. :-)

I understand schedules, I do. I am in awe of the human body clock, and yours is on time. Is it ever on time. Every day you get to work, turn on your computer and get ready for the day. Every day you walk in to our single stall bathroom and do your business. Every day! You are in there FOREVER, so it makes it hard not to notice. You are the first person first thing in the morning to stink it up with your "regularness". If you are that regular, can't you train it to be done at home? Oh, and make sure you flush all the way or clean the bowl...I'm tired of your poo crumbs and skid marks on the bottom of the bowl. Cochina!

Damn you, Lifetime casting agents!

Excuse me for a moment while I geek out about something completely ridiculous.

Fact: I read Nora Roberts books. Yeah, yeah, insert judgment and mockery here.

Fact: Lifetime has been making a good number of Nora Roberts books into TV movies. Which is kind of cool, because I like movies made from books I like, even if they're kind of crappy.

Where am I going with this?

Someone over at Lifetime is a complete moron who has no interest in being true to the books they're converting to film.

Here's the thing that severely pisses me off:

In Northern Lights, the most recent of Roberts' books to be made into a film, the female character, Meg, is a feisty bush pilot. She has BLACK hair and blue eyes and is quite exotic, is standoffish and super independent, doesn't take any crap from anyone, and is 200% able to take care of herself. A good part of her background/character is that she strongly identifies with the Native culture in Alaska.

And who do they cast as Meg in the movie?

Fucking Leann Rimes.

Are you kidding me? Could they have picked a more generic, blonde, absolutely the opposite from the character in the book "actress" to play this part? Leann Rimes is not "tough." She's not "feisty." She is soft and silly.

I am already irritated with this movie, and am pissed off at Lifetime for making it impossible for me to enjoy a movie that I should have gotten at least a little entertainment from by so massively messing up their casting.

Hell, even JEWEL would have been better! Sure, she's still blonde, but at least she's actually been to Alaska before!

Also, upon more research, it seems like they also changed the following details:
- the main character's last name is "Burns" instead of "Burke" <-- WHY? Burke is much better.
- instead of having two huskies, Meg has pitbulls. In Alaska. Really? Which dog makes better sense?

Ugh. So disappointing.

I shake my fist at you, Lifetime!

Exactly.

Fail blog has it perfectly right today. Asshole stopped at green light? Check. Dumb shit on his cell phone? Check. Hypocrite? Check. You FAIL.

Irritating.

I don't know why this bothers me, but it does. I think it's the combination of the fact that it's designed to overtly shove someone's religion upon others and the fact that they use "4gvn" for "forgiven." SO annoying.

Stop calling me!!!

Hi, College I Went To Alumnus Program?

I understand that your sole purpose is to harass former students for money.

I understand that it's uncomfortable to cold call people for money when our economy is in the shitter.

But, if you REALLY wanted money from me? You would make an effort to say my damn name correctly.

I realize it's a toughie. But if you can't even pronounce "Adriana," you are totally fucked. Because there's no way in hell I'm giving you money after you so badly butcher my name that even my mother wouldn't know who you were asking for.

Also - NO, I don't want to update my contact information.

Oh, but why not?

Because you hit me up for enough money, even though I already gave you over $40,000 to go to your school in the first place.

Screw off, and stop calling me.

Thanks.

So much for integrity in "journalism."

I am totally aware of the fact that tabloids and gossip magazines are not typically concerned with being factual. In fact, I know that 99% of what is written in gossip magazines is false. But, every once in a while, a story pops up that is so blatantly a fabrication that it makes me physically shake my fist!

Case in point: John Mayer is dating Jennifer Aniston. They both went to Mexico for New Years. Also, in a completely unrelated story - John Mayer hosted on his blog a holiday interfaith cake baking contest in which people sent in photos of the cakes they baked and he and his friends chose two to win guitars.

There was a "news story" in a gossip rag (I think it was Star, which I never trust and/or read but caught my attention in the Ralphs line the other night) about John and Jennifer having spent New Years in Cabo San Lucas. This "article" was sort of like the Star "article," talking about the grand old time they had.

So where's the problem? The problem can be found on John Mayer's blog. The "article" ends with a "quote" from John Mayer: "John, meanwhile, passed on group socialising and headed back to the U.S where he gushed about his time with Jen. John wrote on his blog, 'I had the best holiday season since I was a little boy.'"

But wait! If you read that actual blog entry, he's not talking about Mexico! He's talking about the holiday interfaith cake contest he held, and the fun he and his peeps had looking at all the photos that were sent in and baking their own cake! Here's the ACTUAL quote:

"And to everyone who submitted a cake, both into an oven and to my blog, THANK YOU. I was blown away at the time you took to make such brilliant looking creations. Because of you I had the best holiday season since I was a little boy. I hope you all felt a little merrier for it, too."

Seriously? How starved for a story are you that you take a quote that was about cake and make it sound like it was about their relationship? That so called "reporter" should be hog tied and dunked in a well.

SO absolutely ridiculous.

Way to be a bad friend.

We have our first guest rant today! Enjoy...

Just say no!

Hey, you! Yeah, you. I have a bone to pick with you. Do you know what I meant when I said "It's important"? Does that resonate anywhere in your brain? How many things do I ask you to do? Ummmm, none. I'm pretty sure the last time I asked you to do something for me you still had all of your brain cells. And that was what? 15 years ago? Maybe, that's what attributes to your jerkiness. All the drug use (that you said didn't affect you) finally caught up with you and turned your mental calendar into a sponge. It's okay if you say you can't or no. I'm an adult. I can take no for an answer. What I can't take? Your breaking the news to me "ooooh dude, I don't think I can do that thing for you" after I asked you and asked you. AND YOU SAID YES! GRRRRR. And don't call me dude.

We shake our fists at bad friends!

Grocery store lady, I shake my fist at you!

I went to the grocery store last night because our fridge looked like we were two frat boys living off of beer, cheese, and condiments. I loaded up on tons of stuff - veggies, dinner stuff, frozen lunches, etc. And then I went to check out, and the most annoying thing happened.

I start unloading our massive amount of stuff onto the belt, and as I'm about 3/4 of the way through, the woman standing two people back leans forward to us and says "10 items?"

Yes. I was totally in the express lane with my 900 items. I quickly looked up and saw the "express" sign, and mumbled an apology to whoever was in the vicinity. Then, embarrassed, and getting red in the face, I started loading everything BACK in the cart.

At which point, the same woman was all, "Ugh, stay. Just stay."

What???

That's when I got mad.

Pick a side, bitch! Either tell me that I have too many items and am in the wrong line, or back the fuck off and mind your own business! Don't tell me, "you have too many," then tell me to "just stay" in the line, like you're some saint because you're "allowing" me to stay in the line with too many items. Why even point it out and embarrass me in the first place!?

Anyway - we switched lines and waited again, because at that point I was too pissed to stay in line with this woman.

I just hate that - obviously it was an accident and I didn't notice the "express" line. I wasn't trying to get out faster than anyone, I had just chosen the shortest line without paying attention that it was "express."

Oh, and by the way, there were 4 lanes open and 3 of them were "express." Are you kidding me?

This is why we never grocery shop!

Seriously?

Driving into work today I saw a car with a license plate that read: SCBDASS.

Or, "SC Bad Ass." As in USC. Dude also had a USC license plate frame.

My first reaction was, "SERIOUSLY?"

Here's my opinion: If you have to write on your license plate that you're a "USC Bad Ass," that makes you the complete OPPOSITE of a bad ass.

It makes you a tool.

Thanks for playing, douche.