Douche-a-licious.

The one thing you always notice about going out in Los Angeles are the annoying and crazy people who are also going out in Los Angeles.

While going out last night at a small John Mayer show at Hotel Cafe, we saw:

1) At LEAST 12 men wearing plaid (My dude and John Mayer included). It was hilarious, because literally 1 in 4 men we saw were in plaid. My dude was mortified that he was dressed in a "trendy" fashion, and vowed several times throughout the evening to never wear plaid again. Which makes me sad, because I love his flannel. And made him mad, because he's been wearing plaid consistently since 1994, and how dare those assholes take his trend?

2) Four total douchebags in front of us in line who were "Twittering" about the experience. Of standing in line. While nothing happened. Then, something DID happen - John Mayer arrived in his car! (Ooooooh. OMG IN HIS CAR!) Shortly thereafter the following line was overheard. "I'm totally Twittering what kind of car John Mayer showed up in right now." Oh, how I wish I were kidding.

3) Three middle-aged ladies behind us in line who were entirely too "in to" John Mayer. Look, there had to be some, but these ladies were doing their best at giving the Mayercraft crazies a run for their money. At one point, we sort of heard that the show had started, and one of them exclaimed "I totally can feel it. He just started playing. I felt it." Then, they were talking about calling John Mayer "J May," because they were "that close." And THEN, there were the two goofball guys who came outside and loudly (and sarcastically) exclaimed "OMG you made out with JOHN MAYER!" These girls? Were like, "Really????" I think I may have actually smacked my own forehead in disbelief over that one.

4) Two "gentlemen of the night" shopping their wares at Hollywood and Cahuenga.

5) The crazy hoochie mama in the short, tropics print gauze dress and 5 inch heels. Did i mention it was REALLY windy last night?

Ahh... going out in LA is always such an adventure.

3 Reasons I Hate "The Valley."

Caution: Long rant about to start.

Three obnoxious things that happened to me in the valley during the errands I ran on my way home:

1) Awful customer service at the Osh Hardware store on Fallbrook. I went in for a couple of things, including more yellow jacket traps, and foam caulk to fill the mouse hole under our sink. 10 minutes of wandering around without anyone offering to help me, and I finally find the yellow jacket traps. They're in a box, and there's a sales tag attached to the box that says $5.99. I decide to get three. Then I get up to the register, and they each ring up as $10.99. I politely tell the checker girl (also known as Dumb Bitch, so I think you know how this is going) that the traps were marked as $5.99.

She calls the nursery woman (also known as C U Next Tuesday) and a 5-year-old manager boy over. I explain where I got the traps, and what the sign read. Nursery woman walks back to the aisle with me, and shows me how the sign on the box of traps is wrong. But really, it doesn't matter to me, because the sign was there and says that's the price. So I go back to the register, and tell checker girl that the price was wrong, but the $5.99 was how it was marked. 5-year-old manager boy tells checker girl to just ring it up as $5.99. But does the dumb bitch do that? No. Instead, she calls nursery woman, who comes over and bitches at 5-year-old manager that the traps were marked wrong. At this point, I should have just walked away. Instead, 5-year-old manager folds under the pressure, and just looks around in desperation.

I say - "The product was marked at $5.99. You're going to have to figure out what to do about this." And the fucker charged me $10.99 per trap.

So I leave, totally pissed off, because it is my firm belief that a product should be sold at the price it is marked, mistake or no. It wasn't like I went and moved the damn sign, and it's that stupid moron's JOB to make sure that stuff like that doesn't happen. And now I'm just kicking myself for going through with the purchase, and I'm totally going back tomorrow to return the damn things. I'll buy them at the Do It Center instead, and I'll be writing a very nasty letter to that manager's boss. Fucktards.

2) So next I went into Target to look for a water softener, which they don't have. So I treat myself to a new purse (impulse buy, much?) instead. As I'm walking to the checkout, there is a woman with her two kids. The boy is about 6, and the girl is about 3, and the boy has the girl by the waist and is swinging her around. Which obviously bothers her, as she starts screaming and writhing in pain or discomfort. The mom, though, doesn't seem to care much until the girl's screams reach Mach 3 and then she finally screams at the boy "Put her ass down! Put her ass down! Put her fucking ass down!"

Yeah. It made me mad, too.

But it didn't end there. She continued the verbal abuse of both of her kids while the girl continued to scream and cry, and clutch her side. Granted, it looked like she was fine, but still. Comfort your kid just a little bit. They got in line behind me (lovely) and the boy started unloading the cart, and being a general brat about the "stuff" he was going to get. And the mom just looked at him and said, "Don't touch my shit."

After that I just tried to tune them out, which was hard with the consistent screaming of the little girl. I really wanted to say something, but it was definitely one of those situations where it would have made things much worse. So instead I left, because the whole thing made me sad on top of the mad I'd worked up from the Osh.

3) I finally made it over to Yozen Frogurt for some pomegranate frozen yogurt, and this hoochie teenager got in line behind me. She was on her cell phone, and continued to stay on her cell phone while she was ordering, which I really hate. How rude can you be, really? Just talking and talking about absolutely nothing while she's trying to order three yogurts to go. And then, she finally does get off her phone, and becomes chatty Cathy with me - "Oooh, which one did you get? Is it good?" No. I don't think so, you silly brat.

So, the moral of this ridiculously long, winding down rant?

People in the valley suck big hairy balls.

Overboard?

A co-worker today, in celebration of Obama being in office for 100 days. Awesome? Just enough? Too much? I really can't decide.

Hang up your phone, lady!

This morning I was driving to work on PCH and this woman almost swerved into me.

She was talking on her cell phone.

Not surprising.

Then she actually had the audacity to gesture at ME as if I had been at fault. For her being distracted and almost hitting my (still sort of) new car.

Eventually, we got to the portion of PCH near the CA Incline in Santa Monica where motorcycle cops are known to hide out to nab people exceeding the 45 mph limit. Which is a ridiculously dumb limit, anyway, since the only time it's actually dangerous to go faster there are too many cars out to drive more than 30 mph, but that's a story for another day.

The hide-a-cops that hang out there will pull you over for ANYTHING, even things that cops normally might not pull you over for. Going over 50 mph, making an illegal u-turn, not wearing your seat belt, swerving a little too harshly, having a tail light out. Just about anything you can think of.

So, I maintained my speed at a respectable 48 mph.

This woman, who had fallen a few cars behind, quickly caught up to the rest of us since we'd all slowed down a bit, and then slammed on her brakes when she realized where she was.

She obviously drove the road often enough to know about the hide-a-cops.

But the best part?

She stayed on her cell phone the ENTIRE time.

Which, last time I checked, is illegal in CA.

Why even bother slowing down if you're still doing something you can get pulled over for?

I shake my fist at you, bad driver on your cell phone lady! And I just might hate you a little bit, too.

At least you're regular?

And the guest posts are slowly trickling in! I actually got this submission a few weeks ago, but I have been neglecting this blog, so it's taken me a while to get around to this one! I swear I'll be better in the future. :-)

I understand schedules, I do. I am in awe of the human body clock, and yours is on time. Is it ever on time. Every day you get to work, turn on your computer and get ready for the day. Every day you walk in to our single stall bathroom and do your business. Every day! You are in there FOREVER, so it makes it hard not to notice. You are the first person first thing in the morning to stink it up with your "regularness". If you are that regular, can't you train it to be done at home? Oh, and make sure you flush all the way or clean the bowl...I'm tired of your poo crumbs and skid marks on the bottom of the bowl. Cochina!

It IS a tumor!

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, I shake my fist at you.

You are a complete idiot who should never have been elected governor, let alone re-elected.

And now, because of you, thousands of Californian teachers and school workers will be without jobs next year - over 40,000, by the way. Class sizes will skyrocket to astronomical numbers - Almost 40 1st graders per class? Seriously? And my mom's monthly retirement package will go down 20%. Thanks for that.

Asshole!

YOU are a tumor on the brain of California.

Is it 2010 yet?

Exactly.

Fail blog has it perfectly right today. Asshole stopped at green light? Check. Dumb shit on his cell phone? Check. Hypocrite? Check. You FAIL.

Stop calling me!!!

Hi, College I Went To Alumnus Program?

I understand that your sole purpose is to harass former students for money.

I understand that it's uncomfortable to cold call people for money when our economy is in the shitter.

But, if you REALLY wanted money from me? You would make an effort to say my damn name correctly.

I realize it's a toughie. But if you can't even pronounce "Adriana," you are totally fucked. Because there's no way in hell I'm giving you money after you so badly butcher my name that even my mother wouldn't know who you were asking for.

Also - NO, I don't want to update my contact information.

Oh, but why not?

Because you hit me up for enough money, even though I already gave you over $40,000 to go to your school in the first place.

Screw off, and stop calling me.

Thanks.

So much for integrity in "journalism."

I am totally aware of the fact that tabloids and gossip magazines are not typically concerned with being factual. In fact, I know that 99% of what is written in gossip magazines is false. But, every once in a while, a story pops up that is so blatantly a fabrication that it makes me physically shake my fist!

Case in point: John Mayer is dating Jennifer Aniston. They both went to Mexico for New Years. Also, in a completely unrelated story - John Mayer hosted on his blog a holiday interfaith cake baking contest in which people sent in photos of the cakes they baked and he and his friends chose two to win guitars.

There was a "news story" in a gossip rag (I think it was Star, which I never trust and/or read but caught my attention in the Ralphs line the other night) about John and Jennifer having spent New Years in Cabo San Lucas. This "article" was sort of like the Star "article," talking about the grand old time they had.

So where's the problem? The problem can be found on John Mayer's blog. The "article" ends with a "quote" from John Mayer: "John, meanwhile, passed on group socialising and headed back to the U.S where he gushed about his time with Jen. John wrote on his blog, 'I had the best holiday season since I was a little boy.'"

But wait! If you read that actual blog entry, he's not talking about Mexico! He's talking about the holiday interfaith cake contest he held, and the fun he and his peeps had looking at all the photos that were sent in and baking their own cake! Here's the ACTUAL quote:

"And to everyone who submitted a cake, both into an oven and to my blog, THANK YOU. I was blown away at the time you took to make such brilliant looking creations. Because of you I had the best holiday season since I was a little boy. I hope you all felt a little merrier for it, too."

Seriously? How starved for a story are you that you take a quote that was about cake and make it sound like it was about their relationship? That so called "reporter" should be hog tied and dunked in a well.

SO absolutely ridiculous.

Way to be a bad friend.

We have our first guest rant today! Enjoy...

Just say no!

Hey, you! Yeah, you. I have a bone to pick with you. Do you know what I meant when I said "It's important"? Does that resonate anywhere in your brain? How many things do I ask you to do? Ummmm, none. I'm pretty sure the last time I asked you to do something for me you still had all of your brain cells. And that was what? 15 years ago? Maybe, that's what attributes to your jerkiness. All the drug use (that you said didn't affect you) finally caught up with you and turned your mental calendar into a sponge. It's okay if you say you can't or no. I'm an adult. I can take no for an answer. What I can't take? Your breaking the news to me "ooooh dude, I don't think I can do that thing for you" after I asked you and asked you. AND YOU SAID YES! GRRRRR. And don't call me dude.

We shake our fists at bad friends!

I shake my fist at you, "reply all"!!!

I hate the "reply all" function on email. Ok, maybe hate is a strong word. I strongly dislike the misuse of the "reply all" button. I get it. There are certain situations where everyone needs to know the response. But 99.9% of the time people use this button it is completely and utterly unnecessary.

For example: Someone sends an email asking what time a group is supposed to meet and copies everyone in the group.

OK to "reply all": The person responsible for organizing sends an email back with the time. Everyone needs to know, so "reply all" is appropriate.

Not OK to "reply all": One of the group members sends an email about how they will be five minutes late because they are having a colonoscopy that day. No one needs to know that. Telling one person you would be late (and not mentioning the reason) would have been perfectly acceptable.

Am I the only one who gets irritated by this?

Grocery store lady, I shake my fist at you!

I went to the grocery store last night because our fridge looked like we were two frat boys living off of beer, cheese, and condiments. I loaded up on tons of stuff - veggies, dinner stuff, frozen lunches, etc. And then I went to check out, and the most annoying thing happened.

I start unloading our massive amount of stuff onto the belt, and as I'm about 3/4 of the way through, the woman standing two people back leans forward to us and says "10 items?"

Yes. I was totally in the express lane with my 900 items. I quickly looked up and saw the "express" sign, and mumbled an apology to whoever was in the vicinity. Then, embarrassed, and getting red in the face, I started loading everything BACK in the cart.

At which point, the same woman was all, "Ugh, stay. Just stay."

What???

That's when I got mad.

Pick a side, bitch! Either tell me that I have too many items and am in the wrong line, or back the fuck off and mind your own business! Don't tell me, "you have too many," then tell me to "just stay" in the line, like you're some saint because you're "allowing" me to stay in the line with too many items. Why even point it out and embarrass me in the first place!?

Anyway - we switched lines and waited again, because at that point I was too pissed to stay in line with this woman.

I just hate that - obviously it was an accident and I didn't notice the "express" line. I wasn't trying to get out faster than anyone, I had just chosen the shortest line without paying attention that it was "express."

Oh, and by the way, there were 4 lanes open and 3 of them were "express." Are you kidding me?

This is why we never grocery shop!

Seriously?

Driving into work today I saw a car with a license plate that read: SCBDASS.

Or, "SC Bad Ass." As in USC. Dude also had a USC license plate frame.

My first reaction was, "SERIOUSLY?"

Here's my opinion: If you have to write on your license plate that you're a "USC Bad Ass," that makes you the complete OPPOSITE of a bad ass.

It makes you a tool.

Thanks for playing, douche.

You are making me cranky pants.

I am extremely irritated with my auto insurance today. I bought my car exactly a week ago, and have been attempting to add it to the insurance policy that my mom and I are on.

And they are being total bitches about it.

I called once last Friday.

The lady was totally rude to me, was short with me, and I ultimately got irritated with her and hung up. I know it was an irrational reaction, but I don't care.

Then I tried calling again. This time, the lady was totally cool, but I am not the main person on the policy, so I couldn't add my car. I asked if my mom could call and make a note that I am allowed to, and the lady told me that would be totally fine.

My mom called them. The lady SHE talked to asked if I was an adult. My mom said yes. She asked if I was a dependent. My mom said no. She told my mom that I couldn't be on her policy and needed to get my own.

Which is total crap!

And now I'm pissed. I still haven't been able to get my flipping car put on our policy. I know that I have a 30 day grace period, but COME ON. My mom has been a customer for 36 years... why the shit are they being this difficult!?

I shake my fist at auto insurance people.

Don't be a texting whore.

I read this post over on Confessions of a Cohabitant today, and it made me think of a friend of mine who is constantly texting. All the time. Hundreds, possibly even thousands, of text messages a day. Her phone is constantly within reach, and at the longest, she'll go five minutes without texting. It's a problem.

In a bar for a friend's birthday? Texting. In a movie theater? Texting. At work? Texting. Driving? Texting.

It bugs the crap out of me.

Because she is NEVER 100% there. Not paying attention. Distracted. And it makes you feel like she doesn't really give a shit about hanging out with you. That there's always somewhere else she'd rather be.

It makes me wish that "unlimited texting" plans were never created. Maybe if it cost $45-60/day she would cut it the fuck out.

7-4er.

Just a quick one because I am super busy today catching up on my Google Reader. Oh yeah, and working.

I work 7am - 4pm.

It's an arrangement that I worked out with my boss and company when school started last September and it took me over 2 hours to get to work one morning.

A lot of my work needs to be done before noon, and I work with our East Coast office often enough that it was beneficial all around to work 7am - 4pm.

So, anyway. 7am - 4pm. I love it. I love being here early, I love working by myself, and I get SO much done before other people start trickling in around 9am. By 9:30am, I have most of my daily crap done and am available for the troubleshooting that is the majority of my job lately.

But the problem? Leaving at 4pm. People who don't work with me directly and know the score are always like, why the fuck does she always get to leave at 4pm? I have to be here till after 6pm!

BECAUSE I GET HERE THREE HOURS BEFORE YOU DO. That's why. Mind your own damn business. Don't be all giving me stink eye because I made an arrangement that works for me and everyone I deal with directly!

It bugs me SO much. You don't know what arrangements I have. You don't know my life!

Not so appropriate.

Why do people in offices insist on making inappropriate and annoying comments when someone's significant other stops by?

Coworker: Was that your boy that just dropped you off outside?
me: Oh, yeah, it was.
Coworker: Ooohh, a little afternoon delight?
me: Um... no. We just went to lunch.

Screw off, Manny Ramirez!

WTF is wrong with Manny Ramirez? I'm sorry - how bad could you have it making $20 million a year? I guess I just don't understand how ungrateful someone has to be to want so badly to leave the team that made him into a sports superstar... Come on, do you really think you'd be as popular as you are if it weren't for the Red Sox? The Red Sox "don't deserve" you? THEY MADE YOU!

Good riddance, ass.

But one more thing, why did you have to come to LA?

Quit poking your nose in!

I hate when people send useless emails about things that have no concern to them.

You're copied on that email because the person who sent it is a lazy ass who didn't want to spend an extra 0:30 seconds trying to figure out who to go to, and sent it to everyone he could think of instead.

Obviously, that promo is being scheduled. Obviously, it's not being delivered and then sitting around. If you weren't responsible for it in the past, what makes you think that you suddenly have to waste valuable time annoying the crap out of me for something that has nothing to do with you?

Fuck off, people. Do your jobs, and stay out of mine!

I SHAKE MY FIST AT YOU!

American public education fails again...

This morning I was copied on an email from a co-worker to a client we work with often, and it literally made me cringe. We're super busy and overworked, so I'm going use that as an excuse for this email. But honestly, there needs to be some sort of course kids take in high school to teach them how to use correct grammar in a work environment.

From the email I received:

"The log for Monday (7/14) is being a work on and completed today..."

"There are no instructions that have been fax over in regards to the spots..."

Little mistakes, but still. They went to a client, and we should be at the point where we review emails before we send them.